Graham had not anticipated how difficult school would be. Graham’s middle school advisor had recommended Graham as “a star student, a skillful athlete, a talented musician and a trusted friend who was even voted Most Likely to Succeed by his peers.”  It was for these reasons that Graham couldn’t have been happier when, on March 10^th, he had received an acceptance letter from St. Paul’s School where he was to begin the next fall as member of the School’s 3^rd Form.

By late-October at St. Paul’s, Graham’s academic “star” had begun to fall.  He had already received several grades that were lower than any grade he had ever received in middle school.  Further, not only was he struggling to keep up with the constant homework demands but Graham had also just received a failing grade on a Humanities paper.  Graham was distraught.  By now, Graham’s parents were really worried, too, because Graham had recently complained to them, “Nothing I do here seems to work!”

In the interest of full disclosure, Graham is not a real student.  While his profile resembles many students who have attended St. Paul’s School, I assure you that this “Graham” does not exist!  However, this fictional Graham reflects countless students who are admitted every year not only to St. Paul’s, but also to Concord Academy, Deerfield, Milton Academy, Middlesex, Groton, St. George’s…and to most competitive independent schools throughout the country.

I met several “Grahams” when I worked at St. Paul’s from 1994-98.   Since leaving that position, I’ve been working at Concord Academy, have consulted at numerous other independent schools, and have operated an independent practice of providing psychological and neuropsychological assessments.  Over the past decade, I have evaluated hundreds of independent school students, many of whom have presented with Graham’s familiar profile.  It is not uncommon for these “Grahams” to possess solid verbal and perceptual abilities that hover around the 95^th percentile relative to their peers.  With such keen cognitive abilities, these “Grahams” often cruise through their elementary and middle school curricula without ever needing to work too hard.  Further, “Grahams” frequently and unwittingly develop a mindset that they’re cognitively talented and that most academic material comes easily to them – because it does – UNTIL they arrive at schools like the ones mentioned above.  Once admitted to these competitive schools, however, “Grahams” face new curricular demands that are simultaneously more complex and rapidly paced.  Further, many of the conditions by which these “Grahams” have thrived in the past, such as flexible time limits, easier homework assignments, extra-credit opportunities, fewer exams, etc., simply do not exist!

Troubled by this precipitous decline in academic performance, many “Grahams” – referred by teachers and/or parents – seek comprehensive neuropsychological testing and discover profiles characterized by well-developed verbal and nonverbal reasoning skills AND by less well-developed capacities in working memory and processing speed.  This profile, common to those with attentional and executive functioning difficulties, makes it very difficult for “Grahams” to access their exceptional reasoning skills “on demand,” or as quickly as necessary to meet the challenges of their new academic environment.  As a result, “Grahams” feel like their “academic stars are falling.” They feel lost and helpless…and in desperate need of study skills help.

Have you known some “Grahams” at your school?  How have they come to your attention?  What resources are available…or do you need…to support these “stars” before they fall too far?

I welcome your stories and your questions.

Later the same week, two South Hadley teenagers were convicted of criminal harassment due to their having bullied one of their peers, Phoebe Prince, for about three months.  Allegedly, bullying by these and other teens led Phoebe to hang herself in January, 2010.  Are the death of Osama bin Laden and these harassment convictions linked? To some degree, they are:  both are about cases of bullying.  Bin Laden’s “bullying” was international while the South Hadley teens’ bullying was local.  Both bullying cases resulted in the death of innocents.  Regardless of the scale of the bullying, or of whether it occurred on a national or local “stage,” the basic behavior patterns are the same.  Bullying is abuse, and it involves repeated harassment and/or physical violence with specific intent to hurt others.  While Bin Laden’s death and the South Hadley harassment convictions are linked chronologically, they are linked psychologically, too, as both highlight a social perversion that contaminates our culture – our families, our peer groups, our schools, our workplaces…and our nation.

Psychiatrist Dr. James Gilligan worked for many years with some of the most violent criminals at the Bridgewater State Prison.  In his book, VIOLENCE, Reflections On A National Epidemic, Dr. Gilligan writes convincingly about “the emotion of shame” as “the primary or ultimate cause of all violence, whether toward others or toward the self.”  All of Dr. Gilligan’s patients were incarcerated for having committed violent crimes.  For all of these criminals, their violence was motivated by a desire “to diminish the intensity of shame and to replace it as far as possible with its opposite, pride.”  Dr. Gilligan writes that he has “yet to see a serious act of violence that was not provoked by the experience of feeling shamed and humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed, and that did not represent the attempt to prevent or undo the ‘loss of face’ – no matter how severe the punishment.  For we misunderstand these men (prisoners) if we do not realize they mean it literally when they say they would rather kill others, or be killed themselves, than live without pride, dignity and self-respect.”   (pgs. 110-111).  Further, Dr. Gilligan states that “many of the violent criminals who fill our maximum-security prisons…desperately want to feel that they are big, tough, independent, self-assertive men, so as not to feel needy, helpless, frightened, inadequate, unskilled, and incompetent.  It is essential that we understand this psychology.  For we will never understand violence and violent criminals until we see through what is, in truth, a defensive disguise; and until we understand violence, we cannot prevent it.”  (pg. 127).

Bullying is a form of violence.  While we may never be completely rid of it, understanding why it happens so frequently may help to reduce its occurrence.  Since bullying is always a choice, it is possible that would-be bullies could choose a different course of action.

As I write this initial post, I can’t help thinking about how the killing of Osama bin Laden may affect us on many levels.  As a psychologist, I am reminded frequently, by clients of all ages, of how current events often trigger thoughts and feelings about earlier life events, ones they think they’ve resolved but that spontaneously re-emerge and need processing, yet again.  As I reflected on the Navy SEAL Team Six’s killing of Bin Laden, I found myself triggered and recalling an event I’d settled and packed away many years ago.

At twelve years of age, I was a small, skinny boy.  For reasons I never understood, one of my schoolmates had taken to bullying me.  For months, he called me names and ridiculed me.   I hated it and tried to ignore it.  One morning, this boy spied me as I got off the bus and walked toward the schoolyard.  He approached and began his teasing ritual. This time, however, months of humiliation transformed to rage that erupted from within.  Fearful but unexpectedly empowered, I let loose and hit him.  Suddenly he and I were fighting on the schoolyard pavement.  Strangely, within about a minute, the fight ended.  We stood up and walked away from each other.  Almost immediately, I felt a surprising mix of exhilaration, satisfaction, sadness and guilt.  I truly hated fighting, but this boy never teased me again.

Reflecting on the killing of bin Laden, as if I were twelve again, I felt relieved that the world’s most wanted terrorist had been found and stopped.  On the other hand, I felt unnerved – guilty – by the realization that I was actually reveling in the strategic killing of another human being.  While I could certainly justify this particular death, it still didn’t sit well with me. I’ve always hated fighting and violence of any kind, but I am convinced of its self-defense – and national defense – necessity once in a while.  Osama bin Laden will never kill anyone again.

To be sure, Osama bin Laden was a frightening and ruthless man who took pleasure in terrorizing thousands of innocents.  He was a bully…in the extreme…and needed to be stopped.  Surely, anyone who has ever been bullied can relate with this feeling, and perhaps, with a host of other feelings, too, that may lurk beneath the surface and are more difficult to accept and acknowledge.